Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.

I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.

My phone: Would you like to save this password?

Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!

The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.

I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.

i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”

Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.

The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin

John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit

[4:30 AM]

Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep

Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen

Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?

Me: (holding back tears) 3 days

D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like

M: Not really

One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl

If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.

[Spelling Bee]

Her: Your word is consent.

Him: Can you describe the word?

Her: Yes.

My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.

Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.

Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.

hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do

Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!

Me: yeah? let me see.

Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.

Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.

I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.

Wife: “Notice anything?”

Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”

Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”

Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!

Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.

good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong

Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.

Them: well which is it?

Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.

When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.

Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”

Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.