Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats
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Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
How about I get 100% off by already being there
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.