Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
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him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
I only sing in the car when it’s in reverse. I’m a backup singer
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
