(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
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“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.