Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
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Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
saw that musical. didn’t care for it.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
The “baby” on the left….
Ion see the issue
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.