Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.

me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax

flock of early birds: guess again

You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.

All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.

Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.

-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.

Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.

Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”

Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”

I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.

My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now

Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.

I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.

Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.

Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.

No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.

3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch

guys I’m going home

just having fun

Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.

Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs

Doctor:

Me: ok reese’s eggs

If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?

People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are

Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am

Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.

Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.

i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil

I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.

my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.

Professor X: what’s your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that’s not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now