Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
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Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
fired
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
We made a comic about a space heater.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
at ease…shoulder.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!