[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
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When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵
Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.
3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
I feel seen
Seems legit
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo