Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

date: you look nice

me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate

People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.

Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.

I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.

If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff

does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa

-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets

men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin

[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.

Another case where fake ones have a leg up.

Another year of doing the same thing next to a slightly different number, nice call

[yelling over the music to club DJ]

ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES

One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

I only treason on days ending in y

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area

*email from Amazon*

Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE

Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE

Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE

We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE

CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*

ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!

CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?

ME: *Considers* … come in.

I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…

Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise

Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!

Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!