Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
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Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
man: wait
time: no
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once