Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
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Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Hold on I just need to take of my glasses and put my face in my hands about it first
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
2023 was just a warmup
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.