@junejuly12

Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list

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@michimama75

I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

@50NerdsofGrey

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.

@krishna_van

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

@squirrel74wkgn

I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.

@MNateShyamalan

jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had

editor: nice

jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.

editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?

jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc

@IamEnidColeslaw

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed