Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
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In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Brands during Pride
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys