Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic

First date

Him: tell me about yourself

Me in a singsong voice: ok but you’re not gonna like it

[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep

How to pick up a girl in a club:

1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff

Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had

just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great

My friends can barely make rent, but everybody on home buying TV shows is like, “My husband is a professional thumb wrestler and I’m a rubber duck designer. Our budget is fourteen quadrillion dollars.”

[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here

*at July 4th cookout*

3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?

Me: [explains the concept of a country]

3:

3: So where is she? Does America have legs?

Me:

A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.

Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.

Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

guys are so hard to buy for

like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??

Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

[job interview]

How would you improve our business?

“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”

[Grocery Store]

Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?

Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.

Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”

Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser

“…Actually the position has been filled”

Some early signs you’re growing up:

1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere

My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?

Also my kid: Which way does the L go?

just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”

I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.

What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?

pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”

Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.

It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”

My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear