Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.

the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack

Just checked my bank account….
That shit said $ L,MA0,00.00

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.

If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.

*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*

what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog

If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman

I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…

1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me

Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron

My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married

Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”

Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n

*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”

SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!

ME: Grandma?

Dear parents,

Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.

*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*

me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”

I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…

DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed

ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work

YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are

Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!

Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??

I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.