Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
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how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
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