Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
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‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!