Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
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wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
From Facebook just now…
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
Leaving the Barbers like
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
My mother’s birthday is tomorrow on Friday the 13th. The only thing she told me she wanted was to not die. If you’ve ever wondered where my sense of humor comes from, there’s your answer.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic