Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
You Might Also Like
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.
-The inventor of duct tape, probably
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
ready to be harvested
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
PLEASE READ
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
if i had a frisbee team, our name would be Panic! At The Disc Throw and we would qualify for the regional finals and hi 5 the shit out of everyone
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
