Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
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Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
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Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?