Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]

Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.

6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?

Me:

We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.

“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”

– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now

Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never

The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭

Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw

WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”

People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.

Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up

Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times

Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure

Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?

I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.

[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.

Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.

COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?

PLAYER: 2020.

COACH: Correct. Who is the president?

PLAYER: I don’t know.

COACH: Also correct.

I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself

In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident

Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.

You’re not my real can

Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.

THERAPIST: What do you wish for?

WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things

ME: For the dog to talk

My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.