Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looking good, Kim! #LNSM

a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.

Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.

[Battleship: Guilt Edition]

Friend: B6

Me: You sunk my Battleship

Friend: Hah yes!

Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children

*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*

“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”

Life of an Editor:

I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”

It was “sheepishly,” folks.

[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha

Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?

{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}

Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?

She was making her kids marsoupial.

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.

It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine

[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner!

[real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*

Said the murderer.

What I said: No

What I meant: No

What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.

Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.

Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?

Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?

Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.

Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?

MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house

[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure

If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.

Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair

If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.

Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.

Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.