Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel

Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.

I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars

They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here

Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head

My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.

*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO

My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”

Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.

If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter

Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning

my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs

‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.

Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.

8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”

GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.

They didn’t planet that way.

My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name

Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?

Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.

I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

Nice try, poison.

my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away