Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?

millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.

We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”

What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?

Bernadette.

[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist

If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.

humans only use 10% of their treadmills

When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”

Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness

Astronomer: Hello

All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.

*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.

Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we’re ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]

Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”

Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”

Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.

[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah

[about to have sex]

me: fasten your seatbelt

her: oooh you’re good huh

me: no this is a race car bed

[lights 2019 calendar on fire]

Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”

I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.

Why you on this flight to LA?

“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”

What’s it called?

“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”

I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.

The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.

FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian

People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura

How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today

I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over

Ad placement of the day

#ooh

Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.

When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.