Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”

Facebook is worse than my parents.

So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.

My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.

Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M

ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters

If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.

Him at 1am: Wanna come over?

Me: Sure thing, sexy

-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.

EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: what shall we worship?

EGYPTIAN KING: cats

One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.

“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.

My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?

*checks Amazon*

I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue

Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.

[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]

How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!

10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.

On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.

Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose

Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*

Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.

When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.

Interviewer: Why do you want this job?

Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food

Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers

Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…

Me: what a great place to bury a body!

[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts

Why do the French eat snails?

Because they don’t like fast food.

What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.