Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.

***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.

dog owners: their name is buddy

cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito

Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…

it’s the thought that counts

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

Wife: I find him very patronising.

Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.

Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.

*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly

I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that

Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.

THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high

ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no

Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?

4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*

Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?

DOG 911: what’s your emer-

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING

DOG 911: so?

DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Whoa. I guess one dude quit:

Sober me:

It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.

Drunk me:

A urinal! *pees in sink*

Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.

Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.

Me: I didn’t

[bounce]

Me: buy the kids

[bounce]

Me: a trampoline.

[bounce].

Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.

it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects

what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk

I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.

WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.

How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?

I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.

Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying