Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?

Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”

Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

*Makes a meal plan for the week*

*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*

I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”

Polar bear says… “I was born with them”

the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!

Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”

I have a new favorite conspiracy theory

*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*

Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!

interviewer: what was your last job

me: health angel

interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa

me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

dinosaur: omg a meteor

tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*

Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit

[cleaning the garage]

ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway

12YO: ok which app do I use

ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app

12YO: is it on mom’s phone

ME: no app. push. the. broom.

12YO:

ME:

12YO: so should i download it

Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.

“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”

Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?

7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.

Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.

Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.

*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*

To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰

You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.