Putting socks on my feet to keep me warm isn’t enough. I want them to come up to my shoulders
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When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Word!
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?