Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
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I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.