putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
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me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?
Because there are more birds on that side
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.