putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
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what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.