putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
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Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
KFC hitting the cannibal market
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.
…No, YOU shut up.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.