Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
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If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
I think about this cartoon a lot.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
They should build a separate grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and possess at least an ounce of spatial awareness.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Breaking news:
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
I missed you with all my darts
I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
How to make infinite energy.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is