Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.

I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.

[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough

[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?

DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p

ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:

A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children

My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.

This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.

8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam

The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there

Me, always: what wobble?

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.

the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up

Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.

I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.

When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.

Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.

I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.

I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.

HR: Get out

FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless

12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!

My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.

H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings

My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.

If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles