Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
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earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
never compromise your values
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Um … Hot Wings please
Winnipeg!!
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun