Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just need a shovel and a good alibi.

My husband said we should have a ‘date night’

I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.

McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please

Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?

McConaughey: I don’t know

*seductively annoys the shit out of you*

Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.

My wife found a spider in the shower.

Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.

[Tinder]

Dora: Swiper no swiping!

Swiper: Oh mannn…

Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.

this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point

Good day meowlady

* tips cat

7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.

*takes sip of coffee* ..wait

The worst thing you can do while cleaning is sit down for a minute 😭

I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*

Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case

Word: sweet, I’ll change the font

Me: no no keep the font

Word: ok I’ll just change the size

Me: please keep the size the same

Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol

i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time

I finally found a reason to live again.

*calls out under the bed

Me: Are you still there?

Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.

If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?

Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?

Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa

Me: I’m a vegan

He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it

Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly

Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit

ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre

Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses

*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*

Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.

9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.

My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.

I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.

Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.

Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.