Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
You Might Also Like
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
me before I type out affect or effect
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Candles never taste the way they smell
john wicks are toilet candles
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming