Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe

My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord

Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.

Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth

Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!

Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.

Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test

Me: C

Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩

I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.

“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM

Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.

I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.

It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.

Wolves should really raise more people.

Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.

Me : Flow away, I’m busy.

A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.

I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.

Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.

I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon

HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE

her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church

him: see you there

[at the church]

her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples

him: ahh fine

I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.

me: how much is this cordless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

He’s cranky this morning

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.