Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.

Live, Laugh, Love

Leer, Lunge, Lactate

Do things that start with L

Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.

Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.

If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?

Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?

Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.

I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord

Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.

[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more

I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….

fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it

I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot

Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.

♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫

Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!

Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!

Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!

my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend

My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.

*pronounces surface like Versace*

“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone

Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.

[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-

Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.

Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.

If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.

Probably with the other sock.

[hospital]

“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”

WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS

DAD: I’M UP

Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.