Putting tin foil on my beard to cover the leftovers that fall in there.
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after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
