Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.

Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher

The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.

Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.

my lawyer: deny everything

me: no

“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.

[varnishing an old rocker]

keith richards: what the hell man

Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences

*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.

Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”

The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…

Detective: one of you is the murderer

The actual murderer: *remains calm*

Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*

I think they could have phrased this better

my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played

If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.

how do y’all walk in shallow water

Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.

4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.

me, to my wife: calm down and smile more

Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’

Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.

I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months

Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.

Harsh but fair

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.