Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.
You Might Also Like
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
I beg you to euthanise me
I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?