Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents

I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”

On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep

A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.

Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me

Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.

I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.

Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare

I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭

All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.

This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.

Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off

My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.

IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough

“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director

“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.

If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.

” I need you ”

– Me in the toilet roll aisle

Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked

“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”

COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”

Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.

Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*

Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!

Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.

I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.

No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.