Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry

I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch

age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks

look scared

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

Engraved on my tombstone:

No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.

Especially at night.

15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.

I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.

anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough

I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!

Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.

My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”

My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5

My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.

When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.

8: mommy I want to study pastrami

Me: why pastrami specifically?

8: I’m just super interested in the stars

Me: astronomy you mean astronomy

8: pretty sure it’s pastrami

The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.

My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..

I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.

Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo

– Cole’s Law

A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.

Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.

[8 months later]

Ok, I’m back.

5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?

Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born

5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool

I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.

I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?

“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.

Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?