*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
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*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
hardest line in real life
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”