Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on

[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”

Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.

Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?

It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.

If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.

What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?

My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.

I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…

Me: I’m going to eat healthier.

My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked

I don’t know what to do

My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.

A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou

*I’ve already changed his pants*

“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”

Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”

Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”

I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”

She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”

Why?

I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel

Customer: do you sell {item}?

Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in

Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*

Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?

I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.

it’s the silliest best thing

Dear life:

If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.

welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA

I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.

My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.

We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair