Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.

N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure

I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE

REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.

*tries to mount a horse*

Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”

Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.

“How would you describe yourself.”

Me – I absolutely would not.

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out

A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.

RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair

JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this

My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!

nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence

Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes

If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.

Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.

Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.

sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.

The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way

I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.

Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.

(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)

Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.

Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.

Group: *all rushing to place bets*

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

Sell your car

Yes, this is exactly right

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead