“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
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A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
My dress code is business-casualty.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
murder on the timeline
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.