Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?

We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.

Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.

When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black

me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?

her: wedding attire?

me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man

Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”

Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.

You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?

Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.

If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.

Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.

6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…

Me: Sold!

I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.

Don’t leave me hanging, Larry

Meanwhile in Heaven…

Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.

Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV

When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.

Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏

DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.

[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity

Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.

ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy

[4yrs later]

ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family

realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.

I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.

French windows?

No but I’ve snogged patio doors.

Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running

this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray