Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t have to shower alone today…..

Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.

Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!

i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice

[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?

How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:

1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.

I know this now.

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job

If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?

Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.

PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000

ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!

*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)

me: I may have added too much salt

my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me

There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:

I’m mad and sad and doing very bad

Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.

my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.

Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills

What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue

THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem

No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED

I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.

If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.

If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.

📸: @blessingmanifesting

#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth

UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?

Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.

One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.