Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”

*sandwiches

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?

First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.

“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.

once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”

If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.

Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:

“spicy wet cheese”

I PASSED THE BAR!

On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10

BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.

ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.

Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.

Me: What fresh hell is this?

Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.

Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.

AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey

Squirrels before girls.

My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂

ME: I got us a penguin!

WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??

PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.

ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.

People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”

[dies and goes to hell]

Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake

Me: oh thank god-

Satan: you should be in super hell

Me: oh no

Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.

*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*

why isn’t this lamp working

sliding into dms like

today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore