u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
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I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Me: What are your plans for tonight?
13: Think I’ll hang out with you and mom.
Me: Goddammit…uh I mean that’s great.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,