Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
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mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
PER MY LAST EMAIL
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.