Q: “How long were you at your last job?”

A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”

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u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question


I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.


On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.

Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”

I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”


assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?


Me: What are your plans for tonight?

13: Think I’ll hang out with you and mom.

Me: Goddammit…uh I mean that’s great.


If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.


I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work


The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.


[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,