Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.

houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…

Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.

smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.

I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset

me: can i borrow $100

friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it

me: oh i already have money for that

[first date]

HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.

ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.

[dressed like Slave Leia]

Them: Haha ready for Halloween?

Me: Halloween?

I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile

Then walk into a wall

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread

Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.

“This tofu tastes like chicken.”

No one believes you dude.

[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please

ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.

ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately

FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor

ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome

It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.

You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….

And it’s 8:25 p.m.

Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.

After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.

Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.

Judas has been acting weird the last few days.

stages of moving house

1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen

“This syrup tastes funny…”

-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes

Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.

I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.

I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.

Priest: tell me your confessions

Me: I said the f word twice this week

Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else

People I hate when I’m driving:

1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.

‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.