Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.

When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”

When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.

What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights

Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.

Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”

If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.

Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.

Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.

Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult

I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.

I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it

Me: Wanna have sex?

Wife: With you or in general?

take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”

What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.

Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.

“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*

Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse

I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.

THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:

– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order

I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”

If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.