Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
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My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Still a very good boi….
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that