Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.

Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.

As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit

me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body

Friend: Hi, How have you been?

Me: Why? What have you heard?

The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese

[horror movie in 2169]

The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE

[entire audience faints]

A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.

When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot

I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.

Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.

You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose

I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by

Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.

And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”

*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.

Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

genius

ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”

we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

Software Development ⛵️

Looking forward to all the photos of people putting Luigi on top of their Christmas tree

During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.

His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”

#FreeRocky

YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:

Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*