Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No time to explain get in the wood chipper

3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?

Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.

i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself

when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.

My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?

ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”

and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED

Me: Can I get you a drink?

Her: I don’t know. Can you?

Me: *checking wallet* No.

I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon

I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.

That’s not how days work.

Lube but for my dry humor.

The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.

when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”

“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.

I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this

me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS

me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably

A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.

My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.

Friend: OMG, someone wrote “Wash Me B*tch!” on your car!

Me: Oh, I wrote that as a reminder to myself.

My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.

I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please

perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself

sigh

When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:

1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius

My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.

two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to