Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
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If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?