Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[My 8yo looking for something]

OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.

I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.

Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else

Me: I love all the letters equally

problems i need

He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos

If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”

When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired

if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle

I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.

[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.

Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.

Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands

“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.

You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.

We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.

Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.

I coughed and I heard his pee stop.

HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.

– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell

Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations

Top 3 screwdrivers:

1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment

When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger

ME: Me too, that’s also my reason

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls

Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.

Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here