Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i made my first million by the age of 21

her: wow, a million dollars?!

me: no, mistakes

> what do you want to be when you grow up?

[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!

*fast forward 28 years*

> So you’re still fixing printers then?

Person: I really DO want your honest advice

Me: NO you don’t

P: I DO

Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out

P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.

If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.

me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]

other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF

16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?

Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.

16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.

Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.

16: Exactly, pick something else.

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he has my lighter

My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”

So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”

Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.

Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.

My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it

7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.

Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.

The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans

I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!

because they’re holding me hostage

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.

3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?

I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.

I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?

The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”

Five Secrets of Successful People:

1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets

Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.

Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.

[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“