uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
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Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?