Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
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“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?