Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
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“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.