Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
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[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched