Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?

Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse

I like my coffee black just like my sabbath

I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash

Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”

*crunching sounds*

Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]

parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it

[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway

Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”

Me: “Anything?”

*drives to store*

*brings home cupcakes*

*discovers “anything” includes lying*

The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom

[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]

I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…

just arby’s bein’ a bro

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm

9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.

Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault

Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night

Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here

A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:

[Interview with a Vampire]

Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!

Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*

I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️

Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?

Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs

Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.

My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark

Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS

This meeting could have been a cake

[family get together]

mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?

me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?

My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.

I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.

I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.

They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.