@good_one_rick

Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die

EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears

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@stockejock

I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

@nonchalantnacho

Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.

@givemymeds

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

@RdrJay47

Her: What brings you to speed dating?

Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

@HomeWithPeanut

Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”

@DaddyJew

9: can I go play at TJ’s house?

Me: who?

9: TJ, you’ve met him like a thousand times

Me: no idea

9: he lives 2 houses down

Me: not ringing a bell

9: they have a yellow dog

Me: oh..Bark Whalberg’s house? Yea that’s fine

@ashmensch

Silent Night,
Holy Night,
All is calm,
CORNDOG FIGHT.

@TheBoydP

When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…

@CrowfootJim

When women get to a certain age they start accumulating cats. This is known as the many paws.