Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
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ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Pot warmers of the day.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.