I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
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Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
9: can I go play at TJ’s house?
9: TJ, you’ve met him like a thousand times
Me: no idea
9: he lives 2 houses down
Me: not ringing a bell
9: they have a yellow dog
Me: oh..Bark Whalberg’s house? Yea that’s fine
All is calm,
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
When women get to a certain age they start accumulating cats. This is known as the many paws.