Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.

For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved

Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?

Her: I’d love that!

Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while

priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]

My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.

Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture

Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE

I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.

Today in my classroom

Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?

Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.

Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.

📽️movie date🎞️

I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.

[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover

The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands

Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal

1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.

-mental notes I take watching crime tv.

god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys

god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!

A lot to unpack here…

But…girl rabbits don’t either.

Also…does Christ lay eggs?

Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something

From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.

{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING

it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”

Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.

i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

date: so what do you do on the weekends.

me: mostly pet my cat.

date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.

me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.

[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad