Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.

Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.

Me: get behind me Satan!

Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache

prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?

me:

prosecutor:

me: i hoped he was cake

car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped

a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods

Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?

my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]

me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT

‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’

– idiots

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda

Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.

I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.

A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.

‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am

My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”

Me: “You should wear them all the time.”

Her: “What?”

Me: “Exactly.”

I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.

Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird

sales assistant: oh not you again

sweet dreams💖

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband

Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?

After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.

People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it

[First day as a teacher]

Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.

[Later]

Student: May I use the restroom?

Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit

So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension

It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.