Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go

A dog opens the front door.

Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.

“Hey, buddy. How was work?”

And the dog goes “RUFF.”

The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.

THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.

Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.

My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…

MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers

Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.

Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?

Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine

Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.

shakira sharkira

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?

The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.

– i

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.

DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.

ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.

DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?

ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*

we all know this pain all too well

I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once

Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex

Alex: Having one wife too many

Me: What is bigamy

Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy

If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.

me: I can’t decide what to have

waiter: what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have lasagna

ADAM: oh look the McRib is back

EVE: stop calling me that

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.