Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: What are you in for?

CELLMATE: Money laundering.

ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.

left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird

three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs

My 4yo: Let’s play a game!

Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?

4: No. Yes.

Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.

I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering

Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?

Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*

“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.

Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call

1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible

-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing

Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”

Her:

Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”

Medic: “Step aside sir”

[on my deathbed]

“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”

*dies*

So how much budgie food do you actually want?…

I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.

Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”

There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture

[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Witness: I do.

Me: How do I look in these pants?

is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb

Potatoes were such a good idea

If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.

[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.

my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look

Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?

Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”

me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?

satan: yup

me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway

satan: you got it

me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?