Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.

The opposite of Iceland is water water

What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?

Starchy and Husk

Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.

I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.

I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago

“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm

I recently took a pole

And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed

I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on

It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.

At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.

I think they could have phrased this better

Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”

Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*

I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.

You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.

[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?

Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”

My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.

My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.

Not really a humane solution in my opinion

You’re not my real can

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.

‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.

Me: how about we role-play?

Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.

When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.