Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝

some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor

Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?

Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down

ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school

‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.

God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”

80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

prisoner 1: what are you in for?

prisoner 2: murder

prisoner 3: arson

hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now

Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.

Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.

As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently

me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?

Relationship stress can make you very confused!

Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?

Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay

9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge

Me: yes

9: you gonna cook it?

Me: yes

9: I love you

Me: I know

Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?

I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.

Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.

My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.

Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?

Me: Yes

First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching

Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼‍♀️

“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson